I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
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If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly