My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
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Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
How to woo a woman
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.