You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
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I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
#inspiration #foodforthought
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.