day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
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[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
what’s really going on
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs