According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
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[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.