“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
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How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway