Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
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A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.