waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
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That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
car not found
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!