Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
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[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
stop
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before