We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
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Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
New tinder profile pic
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.