Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
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What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I’d use my best pan on you.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
You can’t outrun your problems…