“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
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Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down