Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
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As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Said the murderer.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.