Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
You Might Also Like
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
What the hell happened here.