Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
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chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I hate when that happens.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese