cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
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synchronized noseblowing
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”