*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
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*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
The Birdles
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3