If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
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I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
This is I, Robot all over again
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.