saving face 👀
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I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
So, can we agree on 4 or
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!