My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
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Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.