I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
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ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Ion see the issue
Life hack
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
This is always good for a laugh.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.