ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
You Might Also Like
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”