This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
A family that plays together cheats.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.