I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
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‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Möther may I have a snäck
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*