[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
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Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?