I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
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For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”