I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
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Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I mean…but I did
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
The absolute effort that went into this omg
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.