“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
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Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too