*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
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[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*