Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
You Might Also Like
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Me too 😆
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist