Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
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Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Bro what is this
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry