A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
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Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Girl, same.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I’m putting together a team
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.