[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
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for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse