Lol.
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Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
they finally got him. they got macavity
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!