the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
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I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…