Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
You Might Also Like
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
True freaking story!
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
kevin is now a local weatherman
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
no one ever comes back
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’