Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
You Might Also Like
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
kitchen magnet
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Baking is just science you can eat.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
how was your vacation