Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
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If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow