bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
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Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Every work call, he judges.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.