Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
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I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
This 4th of July, please remember…
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.