I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
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I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Me, flirting😏
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.