Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
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We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.