i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
You Might Also Like
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.