Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
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Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]