Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
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[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.