(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
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Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
The sacred texts.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
never deleting this app.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”