school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
You Might Also Like
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.