SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
You Might Also Like
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get