It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
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People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
This could be us… but you playing
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up