the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
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My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Good morning, Twitter x
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?